Crash of The Titans

You may notice that, in the hallowed pages of most games sites, we journos don’t often get a chance to review kid’s games before they are released. This isn’t due to a reticence on our part, as we are keen to tell you if anything’s crap. It’s more that the publishers think that the game won’t get a fair hearing, because, we bring grown-ups, won’t understand what appeals to kids.

Well, they are wrong. We understand what they like, as we’re big kids too, we just think that most games made for children are cheaply and badly made. A kid’s game needs a highly variable level of difficulty, bright distinct colors, and tremendous reply value (it helps if it’s non violent and non sexual as well). It doesn’t have to below-res, and it doesn’t have to crippled by cross platform development but it doesn’t have to be stupid and cheap either.

Crash Bandicoot is a kid’s game, but it’s not cheap. It’s bright, it has simple stupid plot and daft character design (Crash now has tattoos, because tattoos are Cool) plus the usual agglomeration of kid’s game elements, collectables, unlockables, mini games, that encourage replay. You control Crash through a platform landscape where he beats up a variety of increasingly large baddies to save his island. Yawn.

Naruto: Rise of A Ninja

Young Naruto is a trainee ninja. He’s got a Nine Tailed Fox (Japan’s mythological spirit) bound inside his body whether that contributes to his pathological exuberance or not is in question, but his raucous behavior has earned him enmity of every single person in his home village. Following the plot of the mage and the cartoon series, Naruto gradually wins over his teachers, classmates and fellow villagers by undertaking dangerous missions and solving town problems. Its classic RPG mixed with a beat’em up, and you don’t need to know anything about the plot to pick up the game.

What you will need noticed straight away, however, is the beautifully rendered cell-shaded world. Beneath it all inst the most powerful engine, but the style isn’t just perfectly thought through. The roaming world and gradually unlocking travel and special powers make the game feel like the classic Jet Set Radio Crackdown, as you gleefully leap from rooftop to rooftop.

Everything about the game is easy to learn and it never feels like the game is holding your hand, even if it’s a touch easy. When the plot requires combat, you drop into arenas, where you can use your combos to setup Justu (Super Special Move) opportunities; if you fail, Naruto can call on his good memories to help him recover. The rich plot and endearing world means that Naruto leaves you waiting to know more about the cartoons series.

Final Fantasy XIII

There have been games that have taken much longer than Final Fantasy XIII to come out, but rarely, if ever, has a game taken this long without some sort of period in development limbo caused by financial or political maneuvering. The Final fantasy XIII did, admittedly start life as a Playstation 2 game, but that was in 2002. It’s been nearly seven years! And during that time work hasn’t stopped. Square Enix has been working away, making what could be its most spectacularly decadent project yet. We suppose the fact that the end result is going to be incredible is some compensation for the wait, but we have been sitting here hoping and begging for morsels of new information on it for so long that it’s starting to get a little embarrassing. Still, it won’t be long now.

Oerba Yun Fang. No, we’re not just mashing random letters on the keyboard, that’s the name of the FFXIII’s newly revealed sexy lady character and by Final Fantasy standards; her name isn’t really all that silly. The most interesting thing about Fang is that she started off as a man. Not in the same way as Alexis Arquetta or Nadia from Big Brother 5. No more in the same way as Lara Croft. The original character design was male, but was changed because the character team at Square Enix wanted to make Fang a sexy character. Haven’t heard of sexy man? Guess not. Anyway, they made Fang so sexy that they ended up toning down lightning’s sex appeal to differentiate between the two more.

G-Force

Guinea Pig secret agents, G-Force is the latest in a long line of ridiculous Disney creation films that turn relatively useless households pets into something high concept for the amusement of stupid children. The game is in 3D, like the film, but don’t orgasm in excitement: this is basic, Eighties two color, obnoxiously expensive Avatar stuff that James Cameron is messing around with.

Aside from causing a headache after about 30 minutes, it’s okay. Take the packed in glass away however, and G-Force is a fairly humdrum mix of imprecise platforming and mundane puzzles. The guinea pigs in this universe are apparently armed with electric whips, meaning it plays like Daxter on PSP. While G-Force is a little tedious, however, we admit that children of discount IQ will tolerate it better than us sweaty, miserable adults.

This isn’t to suggest that just because it’s children’s videogame we forgive G-Force for being pedestrian, though, Children can play far better stuff than this if they want to, Banjo Kazooie , for example, or Viva Pinata. For those poor, anti cynical children who have yet to discover the true emotional horrors of adult life, however, somehow finding happiness in a guinea pig voiced by Made director Jon Favreau, we wish them well in their 3D platform endeavors.